i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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