The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
