An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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