Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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