you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
i think im in europe. pls send help
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
