paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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