Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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