I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
