Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Randomize
