you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
