Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize