That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
