guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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