She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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