I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
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