it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I am full of burrito and curiosity
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
