It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
