When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
