Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
