I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
