he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
