my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
