We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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