So drunk, too bad you don't want this
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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