I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
In other news, I just burned my penis
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
