god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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