Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
They have beer where we have blood.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
