Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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