I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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