u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
