I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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