there's paper in my vomit.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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