My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Randomize
