I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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