if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
