Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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