you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
