she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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