please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
