Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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