Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
