My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
I'm really busy with my period
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