What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
