It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
