____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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