Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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