i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
