Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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