my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
