my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
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