turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
