Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
