Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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