Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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